Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dickheads have no brains

So I was watching tv the other day with baby and there was this Japanese program which teaches people all the ways you can save time doing stuff
eg. how to de-bone a fish in the fastest way, using a bubble tea straw

and then there was this tip which they mentioned,
the fastest way to wake someone who is a deep sleeper (or procrastinates like insane to get out of bed) up is to tell them seriously, "I read the messages in your phone."

according to them, 82 out of 99 people (mostly males) will jump out of bed IMMEDIATELY, proving the effectiveness of this tip.

they even had hidden camera recordings of the guys APOLOGISING to their girlfriends, KNEELING DOWN, finding tons of EXCUSES like "she's just a colleague / friend" when they heard those words.
there was one guy who even asked his girlfriend "did you see the photos too? *face palm*" and looked damn guilty LOL

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so anyway i think the only reason why this works is cause guys have a very high tendency to cheat on their girls????
even if it's just sending out flirty text messages (which is severe enough to incur a woman's wrath by the way).
else why would they have such a huge reaction when their girlfriends look through their messages?
so my inference of the statistics 82 out of 99 guys (83%) waking up immediately after they hear the words "I read the messages in your phone." shows the percentage of guys who are likely to CHEAT ON THEIR GIRLFRIENDS/ WIVES!! :O

so immediately i looked at baby and started questioning him!!!



ME: BABY, I WENT THROUGH YOUR PHONE INBOX. I SAW "HER" MESSAGES TO YOU.
BABY: your messages ah?
ME: damn.

(awhile later...)

ME: BABY!!!! WHO DID YOU MEET YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE???
BABY: you!
ME: ohyah :x


so if your boyfriend's sound asleep and you need to wake him up, tell him you checked his phone and saw the messages and pay close attention to his reaction!!!!
it may be damn crucial to your relationship lor!

or even better, wake him up by saying "there's a woman at our door carrying a baby saying you're the father"

LOL JIALAT.

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And I also saw this on twitter the other day, one of those quotes that we can all relate to very well:
A relationship is meant for 2 people but some bitches can't count.

Some third parties in relationships are super pretty and hot (but annoying cause they break up other people's relationships) whereas some are as ugly as... Jabba the Hut


and guys can always make a million excuses when they want to cheat on you.

For example:
1. Our love is fading (what do you think our love is, WALL PAINT?!)
2. She seduced me, I wasn't a willing party (I'm sure she's as strong as Mark Henry and your masculine body cannot even push her away. wait... why were you even meeting her in the first place??)
3. It all happened so fast I wasn't thinking (just as how your mum wasn't thinking when she let your dad fuck her without a condom)
4. You weren't spending enough time with me (that doesn't justify why you're looking for this fat bitch fill up the void? Oh damn, that must be some really HUUUUGE void you've got there.)

and the list goes on.

actually, it's not only the guys that cheat on girls cause sometimes it's the other way around. but in MOST cases guys are the ones in the wrong lah.

and yes i know sometimes it's really hard for a guy to resist a really hot girl walking by without wishing he could sit down and have a cup of coffee (or bubble tea?) with her.... and then wish for more.
but seriously, in most cases, it's not worth it.

she may have bigger boobs, shinier hair, smaller face, bigger eyes, smaller nose, skinnier legs, tinier waist than your girlfriend now
but when you get old, everything on her (and on you) sags and you're gonna be unhappy with her fat wrinkly body and try to dump her for another younger prettier girl.... who'll probably cheat you of your money and wish you'd die quicker anyway.
and at your death bed, it will be your original girlfriend you'd miss and regret not marrying. and then you'll die.

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i shall illustrate the above theory with a #truestory

my boyfriend has 2 hamsters, namely Sulphur and Cyanide, and he bought them at different dates.

this is Sulphur, a Sayfer hamster which he bought FIRST at $5.
obviously he doted a lot on it cause he only had 1 hamster initially


but after awhile he was afraid Sulphur would get lonely (but i told him having 1 hamster is fine cause I only have 1 hamster as well and my entire family dotes on her like siaooo)

and anyway, he didnt listen to me and decided to buy another hamster, named Cyanide, a pudding hamster at $25 (puddings are more expensive)
and because it was cream colored and looked quite special my boyfriend doted on her a lot more than on Sulphur!
PLUS WHEN HE BOUGHT CYANIDE SHE WAS SOOOO MUCH TINIER THAN SULPHUR!!!


so when he got home, he put the both of them in the same cage so they could be friends but Sulphur, being jealous, fought with Cyanide, and Cyanide kept running away.

it made us think that Cyanide was a lot more docile, and Sulphur was aggressive and annoying for bullying Cyanide. and my boyfriend gave special treatment to Cyanide from then on.

but as they grew older, Cyanide appeared to be less intelligent as compared to Sulphur and didn't know how to pee at the same spot and keep her cage clean (Cyanide's cage stinks terribly)
whereas Sulphur only pees and poops at a particular spot and knows how to let us know her food bowl is empty

also, Sulphur runs the wheel regularly so even after 6 months, she's still about the same size as when we first got her!
but Cyanide, the initially tinier hamster, is FUCKING GOD DAMNED FAT NOW. and i'm not freaking kidding man. she's so big she's scary.

and cause Cyanide doesn't know how to keep her cage clean she attracts a lot of ants despite us regularly changing and washing her cage and her fur keeps dropping :(
we change both Sulphur's and Cyanide's cage at the same time and they're placed at the same place but idk why only Cyanide's cage has problems.. (we bought her new cages twice already)

oh wait, and listen to the best part...
CYANIDE BITES US WHEN WE CARRY HER O.O all she wants to do is eat.. and i think she hates us :(
whereas Sulphur lets us carry her around and massage her and she climbs to the top of the cage whenever my boyfriend plays the piano to listen to him play!!!! ^^

and now obviously my boyfriend loves Sulphur more and he kinda regrets getting Cyanide cause he says it's heartbreaking to see her scratch herself like she's suffering and we're damn helpless
(we even bought those sprays for hamsters to get rid of ants and bugs and stuff, pasted double sided tape at the sides of their cages to trap ants if they try to climb in etc, but it's still not working T.T)

so in case you thought i went off track talking about hamsters, i haven't!!!

i kept telling my boyfriend "see! i told you having one is good enough!"
and i told him Sulphur is like the da lao po (big wife) and Cyanide is the xiao lao po (mistress). even though the mistress appears more attractive at first, ultimately it's always the official wife who'll last with you till the end
HAHAHAH AND I SAY SO MUCH, OBVIOUSLY I'M LIKENING MYSELF TO THE DA LAO PO HAMSTER HE LOVES MORE LAH :P

this ought to teach him a lesson not to cheat on me! ^^
unless he wants to cheat on me with a girl who will eventually turn obese, with dropping hair and kutus on her head and don't have basic hygiene lor~~~~ xP

anyway i'm not saying that my boyfriend will never cheat on me (i really hope not though T.T)
but for now i guess i'm safe cause my baby shoves his handphone in my face and lets me read his messages cause he's busy playing games LOL

SO GIRLS, YOU BETTER NOT TEXT/ FB PM/ TRY ANYTHING FUNNY TOWARDS MY BOYFRIEND ELSE IT WILL BE ME REPLYING YOU. EHEHEHEH

11 comments:

Rachel said...

AWW RACHELL THAT GIF IS TOO KEWT!!
you two make such a sweet couple hehehe <3
Anwww I totally agree that most guys can't be trusted around attractive females. Their blood all rush from their brains to their small *AHEM AHEM* and they use it to think lah! Drunk also cant be drunk until the girl rape him right! Bloody fuckers, they deserve to have their tiny penises chopped off and thrown in a blender if they cant control themselves. GAHHH.

Elsy said...

I swear, this post is damn awesome & true. hehehe. Love your posts! Last long with your boyfieeee. :)

Will said...

I totally love this blogpost :,)

sophiewillocq said...

The expensive hamsters suck. I always bought the normal winter white dwarf (grey with a black stripe); like <$10 kind.

Then once I bought a Winter White Robovski With Face (or some atas cheem name like that) for $30+ and its character sucked balls! Always try to bite me for no reason, and super unhealthy it died after 1 year!

My current hamster has an awesome temperament! Pui to expensive hamsters.

(ok I know your post isn't supp to be about hamsters lah hahahaha)

Anonymous said...

Awww this post is so cute and true! hahaha. Rachell you're so damn cute lor! hehe. continue posting posts like that leh its really damn interesting to read!! ^^

Seryna said...

I love the comparison between the hamsters to cheating :L

Anonymous said...

Hey beautiful, can you do a makeup tutorial on how to cover pimples please???? :(

Jiamin said...

HAHAHAHA THIS IS SO FUNNY!! love it max. Last long with your boyfriend! :)

Anonymous said...

how did you do the gif? is it from a video? shareeeeeee pls!

BEIWEN ϟ said...

Hamha~ I don't know if it works or not, but here are some tips upon how to remove ants from your home/room/kitchen!

http://homeimprovements.ygoy.com/2009/03/03/home-remedies-to-kill-ants/

Its pretty useful and I've seen people using it and spreading the tip around on Tumblr too!

Good luck, poor hammies! Bluhoo. ),:

Hahaha k baibee! x.

Anonymous said...

You damn cute la ! xD love your blog so much ! Hehe ^^