In many ways, I feel inferior and unspecial.
And I've always felt that way.
Since I was a kid I was told by my primary school teacher about "middle child syndrome", where by the parents will always love their first child more (since he/she's the first child), and also dote on the youngest the most.
I have an older sister and younger brother.
That makes me a middle child.
So since a really young age, I've always felt inferior.
It's like I needed to put in a lot more effort to get myself noticed.
I studied really really hard, tried to impress my parents all the time so that they'll praise me too.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are really loving and caring to all of us.
But it's just that whole "middle child syndrome" thing I heard about that got to me.
And to make things worse, in primary school all the way to JC, it was a terrible thing whenever we have an odd number of girls in class.
Cause while I had classmates, I didn't have that one particular one who was my best friend.
Even when I had "best friends", it was always in 3s.. and whenever it came to partnering and getting into pairs, I'm always the odd one out.
I'd smile like it's okay in front of my classmates, I mean, I couldn't have kicked up a big fuss right?
And even if I did, what if someone said "because I like xxx better than I like you, that's why I partnered her?"
Wouldn't I feel a lot worse?
But the feeling of being left out is unimaginably awful.
Which was why I always tried to find comfort in having a boyfriend.
Because at least when I had a boyfriend, he's only SUPPOSED to love me alone.
I'm extremely selfish. I never liked sharing my best friend.
I never liked it when someone I'm close to becomes closer to someone else.
Which is why I guess at the end of the day I don't really let anyone be my best friend (except my boyfriend),
because they'd get close to someone else eventually, and I'd be left out again.
It's nobody's fault though, because it's a natural thing.
People get close, people drift away, people fall apart.
And I guess I'm extremely easy to forget, cause people hardly ever remember me.
Or maybe I'm invisible.
I feel like I'm waving huge lightsticks, jumping around like a mad man, screaming at the top of my lungs trying my very best,
and yet nobody would notice me.
But this beautiful girl can simply walk into the room, and all eyes would be on her, effortlessly.
Maybe because I'm not special, maybe because I'm not beautiful, maybe because I'm really inferior.
But now what scares me the most is that I might disappoint my parents.
If I don't do well, I know they'll be super upset.
But I'm trying my hardest best, I really am.
I fell sick while trying, but nobody would stop to notice me, still.
I don't know what exactly I'm doing wrong.
Is my best really not good enough?
I really don't want to be told I was born to lose, and born to be inferior.
But everything really seems that way right now..
Does anyone else feel the same way too?