Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Middle Child Syndrome

In many ways, I feel inferior and unspecial.
And I've always felt that way.

Since I was a kid I was told by my primary school teacher about "middle child syndrome", where by the parents will always love their first child more (since he/she's the first child), and also dote on the youngest the most.

I have an older sister and younger brother.
That makes me a middle child.
So since a really young age, I've always felt inferior.
It's like I needed to put in a lot more effort to get myself noticed.
I studied really really hard, tried to impress my parents all the time so that they'll praise me too.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are really loving and caring to all of us.
But it's just that whole "middle child syndrome" thing I heard about that got to me.

And to make things worse, in primary school all the way to JC, it was a terrible thing whenever we have an odd number of girls in class.
Cause while I had classmates, I didn't have that one particular one who was my best friend.
Even when I had "best friends", it was always in 3s.. and whenever it came to partnering and getting into pairs, I'm always the odd one out.
I'd smile like it's okay in front of my classmates, I mean, I couldn't have kicked up a big fuss right?
And even if I did, what if someone said "because I like xxx better than I like you, that's why I partnered her?"
Wouldn't I feel a lot worse?
But the feeling of being left out is unimaginably awful.

Which was why I always tried to find comfort in having a boyfriend.
Because at least when I had a boyfriend, he's only SUPPOSED to love me alone.

I'm extremely selfish. I never liked sharing my best friend.
I never liked it when someone I'm close to becomes closer to someone else.
Which is why I guess at the end of the day I don't really let anyone be my best friend (except my boyfriend),
because they'd get close to someone else eventually, and I'd be left out again.
It's nobody's fault though, because it's a natural thing.
People get close, people drift away, people fall apart.

And I guess I'm extremely easy to forget, cause people hardly ever remember me.
Or maybe I'm invisible.

I feel like I'm waving huge lightsticks, jumping around like a mad man, screaming at the top of my lungs trying my very best,
and yet nobody would notice me.
But this beautiful girl can simply walk into the room, and all eyes would be on her, effortlessly.

Maybe because I'm not special, maybe because I'm not beautiful, maybe because I'm really inferior.

But now what scares me the most is that I might disappoint my parents.
If I don't do well, I know they'll be super upset.
But I'm trying my hardest best, I really am.

I fell sick while trying, but nobody would stop to notice me, still.

I don't know what exactly I'm doing wrong.

Is my best really not good enough?

I really don't want to be told I was born to lose, and born to be inferior.
But everything really seems that way right now..


Does anyone else feel the same way too?


Anonymous said...

I'm the middle child too. It's the same with me when I was in Primary school. I always felt that the older and younger sibling were getting more attention than me.

Over the years, I eventually grew out of it though. :)

Calista said...

Aww Rachell. *BIG HUGS* I'm the eldest and only girl at home, so I can't say I understand how you feel but it's another set of problems altogether. We all have our moments and I really do hope you feel better! Sorry I haven't replied to you as much as I did before, so I thought this is a good time to tell you I'm still here. <3 Thank you for the post, and when you think things are at its worst, it can only be better from there. Jiayou!!

Sherrie Pui said...

Well I don't have to be a middle child to feel that way.

Anonymous said...

I'm a middle child too! Totally understand how you feel because I have 2 BROTHERS. Which is really shit. I can remember all the times over the last 2 decades of my life that I've always felt as though I was irrelevant, unimportant, just not enough.

Hang in there Rachell! It doesn't necessarily get better but you become stronger. :)


Lizzy C said...

I'm the youngest in family and my mum seem to only love my older sister and brother. I know how you feel, all my friends choose everyone else before me. I felt really alone until I found my boyfriend, just like you, he became my only close friend.

Hang in there, someone whose is worth being close would come by. (: i know it.

Tiffy said...

I'm not a middle child but i alwys got the 3 bff thing going on for years, psch, sec sch, poly, everywhere and alwys end up the 2 of them always better with each other and i get left out too. I had all the bad feelings too but someday they'll go away even though i choose to be alone (anyone whom met me thought i was an only child cuz i was too shy and aloof, but i had a younger sister) and stick to my bf too like you but then.. there are still alot of days i wish i had a good girl best friend too.. sighs.. and now still, he broke up with me recently after 3 years :( even though he still choose to remain in contact with me.. i'm as alone as ever.

XinhuiO. said...

Hi Rachell, cheeruppppp :) Although I'm the only child at home, but i can understand the friends/ classmates part which you're! Currently I'm also somehow fitting into this situation. We need to learn how to overcome this, i believe we can be strong and get over it!! Jiayou <3 :)

"I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong." - Audrey Hepburn

P.s// Be happy, stay happy! (=^.^=)

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachell, I'm not a middle child but I totally understand what you're talking about. I'm a quiet girl and it is very hard for me to make friends. Finally got this close girlfriend in sec school but after we graduated, we drifted more and more. She started to make more friends while the forever alone me only had her. I don't know why but, as we grow older we talk lesser, perhaps we're more afraid of being judged? We gradually distanced apart and she called another girl her best friend. Thing is I've always been calling her my best friend but never once she reciprocated. I was all along "one of the good friends". I was really jealous of the girl, and I don't know in what way have I "lost" as a friend... I tried my best. This jealousy got serious, I actually said it all out and now, we are strangers. It's still upsetting for me to see her with HER best friend, I wish I could turn back time and keep my thoughts to myself. I really understand how you feel. It'll be really nice to have a girl best friend to do everything with you. I too have an amazing boyfriend but he can't possibly do nails with me right?! :'( sigh, let's all hope we all find our perfect girlfriends soon :) <3

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to the boyfriend and best friend part.. In school I didn't have a best friend and would take comfort in knowing that I have a boyfriend and at least i'm precious to that one person.

I thought I was the only one who didn't like the feeling of sharing my best friend. I won't want her to have another best friend, which sounds absurd if I mention it to other people. I'd feel jealous, like someone else is stealing her from me!!

So for now, my best friend is my boyfriend lolol.

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachell, I can totally relate to how you're feeling, although I'm the only child in the family. Being the only child isn't all that great, really. I'm going through what you are going through at the moment. I'm selfish and I want everything to myself.I dislike sharing best friends,etc...thats why I chose to have almost zero friends.

But nonetheless, stay strong!! ^^ You're not alone,just so you know!<3

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachell .. You're really pretty .. You're not invisible , because I never fail to read your blog , tweets and browse through your photos .. I totally understand the feeling of falling sick while trying so hard and no one seems to bother or take me for falling sick seriously .. Well at least you have a boyfriend to love you and care for you like no other yeah ? I'm going through everything you are ranting in this blogpost .. And my boyfriend .. Seems to be .. I don't know .. It seems that he can't be bothered haha .. Friends left because they didnt like my boyfriend mmm anyway , cheer up Rachell , stay strong because you're not alone and you have your loyal readers like me .
Xoxo .

Angela said...

I'm not a middle child, but I know what you mean about being left out in class. Happened to me many times in secondary school - poly.

And I know EXACTLY how you feel during group work/pair work when everyone partners up and you stand there awkwardly without a partner/group.

I was the same too :X

Thanks for sharing about it so that I know that I wasn't alone in that lol.

mahya jalali said...

I'm not a middle child, but I can relate since I have Autism. I don't have a best friend atm but the ones I had have drifted away/ closer to other people than they were to me.

Love your blog<3

Sera said...

I am an only child and I can still completely relate. I feel like my parents dote on the person I pretend to be for them, but the person I truly am has been so strongly discouraged and not embraced by them that I still feel so far away from their love. I feel completely worthless and unlovable sometimes (most of the time...OK all of the time) and it really impacts every decision I make and every relationship I have. Sometimes I feel so lonely...it really is a battle every day to feel happy and positive. And some days I lose that battle. Most days.

Again, thank you for these really genuine posts. I really enjoy reading your blog already, but posts like these are GEMS!

I'm sorry that your experience has been like this. I hope that things start to look up for you and that you start to feel better. And I know that we don't know each other at all but I just feel like I want to give you a hug after reading this post. So, the briefest of electronic hugs has now been sent to you via this comment :). <3.